Taking charge... Reclaiming my time..

As a great advocate of change I decided to put my money where my mouth is and finally after 11 years take the plunge and resign. I made the decision while preparing for my initial line management meeting, which was followed soon after with a statutory preformance review, or to use the formal branding "Apraisal". As the reflectivem practitioner,that I am, I reviewed the data and prepared a pretty comprehensive status report. Once it was complete I began to rag rate my own performance. On paper it was pretty impressive! Another year,following on from the previous 5 successfull years, every target set had been met. Successful hoop jumping, and professional mastery all backed up by providing supporting evidence...I should be proud. Why oh why was I feeling like I was headed for , what I can only describe as the professional gallows ? Instead of an overwhelming feeling of elation and pride was I feeling utter dread,and despair. I allowed myself to visit the cold hard facts and stare them right in the eye. The truth is that,firstly I had worked far harder than any of my students. Their results were a result of my blood sweat and tiers, coupled with their efforts, which I had forced upon them. Some,without a doubt, would have achieved with or without me. However, sadly, an overwhelming majority needed me pleading, encouraging and pushing them just to make the effort to firstly attend, then pick up a pen and actually engage in active participation. Most of the time it was like pushing a slippery boulder, far larger than my own capability,up a very uneven,steep hill. Finally,what appeared to be a hill at the start, turned out to be a Rocky Mountain. I was tired emotionally and physically and really could not remember why I had been so passionate in the first place. I had totally lost sight of my own goals. I allowed myself, briefly, but long enough, to realise the impact this level of commitment (kissing the badge, pushing attainment and safeguarding the preformance indicators) had had on my personal relationships and health. Although I had students who had achieved and probably in reality did not care as much as I did. I was not in a good place. In the past I'd often allowed myself to briefly flirt with the idea of making an organisational change but either did not make the time or when I did... I'd withdraw the application justifying the decision that the timing was not right. I realised that my professional life was like being in a bad marriage but I did it for the Kids! I confided in my sole mate, my husband. He was fully supportive, having recognised my revelation years before but admired my passion and supported me in my quest. I made the decision to resign without having another job. This may sound irresponsible to those observing, who find themselves gainfully employed outside the education sector, however, a school term is three months. I enterd my appraisal meeting with a great sense of pride not only in what had been achieved over the previous twelve months. I was indeed proud of the students preformance and was arrogant enough to recognise that I had carefully crafted and facilitated great resources, selected the most suitable programs of study and used my skills as an abou polished practitioner to raise their aspirations and to achieve. I acknowledged that this was possible because of the additional effort I had made to work well over the contracted hours I was allocated. the powers that be were satisfied. The truth is I was a bit disappointed that they were just satisfied and not overjoyed and were not exactly popping th champaign corks over my achievements... that is because the organisation's overall preformance had not met with expected targets. Therefore as a team we needed to observe the period of mourning .... The truth is I had decided that the further action... Not the action they were expecting. I put the weels in motion to reclaime my life and address the work life balance. I presented a very brief letter of resignation. I took back control of my life. I no longer felt owned. I no longer felt guilty for doing the weekly grocery shop or cooking a meal. I was sure that the next family event, my parents wedding anniversary, was going to be attended without the sence of guilt. I left that meeting feeling lighter ... Happy to be managed and not controlled and very proud indeed.