Taking charge... Reclaiming my time..

As a great advocate of change I decided to put my money where my mouth is and finally after 11 years take the plunge and resign. I made the decision while preparing for my initial line management meeting, which was followed soon after with a statutory preformance review, or to use the formal branding "Apraisal". As the reflectivem practitioner,that I am, I reviewed the data and prepared a pretty comprehensive status report. Once it was complete I began to rag rate my own performance. On paper it was pretty impressive! Another year,following on from the previous 5 successfull years, every target set had been met. Successful hoop jumping, and professional mastery all backed up by providing supporting evidence...I should be proud. Why oh why was I feeling like I was headed for , what I can only describe as the professional gallows ? Instead of an overwhelming feeling of elation and pride was I feeling utter dread,and despair. I allowed myself to visit the cold hard facts and stare them right in the eye. The truth is that,firstly I had worked far harder than any of my students. Their results were a result of my blood sweat and tiers, coupled with their efforts, which I had forced upon them. Some,without a doubt, would have achieved with or without me. However, sadly, an overwhelming majority needed me pleading, encouraging and pushing them just to make the effort to firstly attend, then pick up a pen and actually engage in active participation. Most of the time it was like pushing a slippery boulder, far larger than my own capability,up a very uneven,steep hill. Finally,what appeared to be a hill at the start, turned out to be a Rocky Mountain. I was tired emotionally and physically and really could not remember why I had been so passionate in the first place. I had totally lost sight of my own goals. I allowed myself, briefly, but long enough, to realise the impact this level of commitment (kissing the badge, pushing attainment and safeguarding the preformance indicators) had had on my personal relationships and health. Although I had students who had achieved and probably in reality did not care as much as I did. I was not in a good place. In the past I'd often allowed myself to briefly flirt with the idea of making an organisational change but either did not make the time or when I did... I'd withdraw the application justifying the decision that the timing was not right. I realised that my professional life was like being in a bad marriage but I did it for the Kids! I confided in my sole mate, my husband. He was fully supportive, having recognised my revelation years before but admired my passion and supported me in my quest. I made the decision to resign without having another job. This may sound irresponsible to those observing, who find themselves gainfully employed outside the education sector, however, a school term is three months. I enterd my appraisal meeting with a great sense of pride not only in what had been achieved over the previous twelve months. I was indeed proud of the students preformance and was arrogant enough to recognise that I had carefully crafted and facilitated great resources, selected the most suitable programs of study and used my skills as an abou polished practitioner to raise their aspirations and to achieve. I acknowledged that this was possible because of the additional effort I had made to work well over the contracted hours I was allocated. the powers that be were satisfied. The truth is I was a bit disappointed that they were just satisfied and not overjoyed and were not exactly popping th champaign corks over my achievements... that is because the organisation's overall preformance had not met with expected targets. Therefore as a team we needed to observe the period of mourning .... The truth is I had decided that the further action... Not the action they were expecting. I put the weels in motion to reclaime my life and address the work life balance. I presented a very brief letter of resignation. I took back control of my life. I no longer felt owned. I no longer felt guilty for doing the weekly grocery shop or cooking a meal. I was sure that the next family event, my parents wedding anniversary, was going to be attended without the sence of guilt. I left that meeting feeling lighter ... Happy to be managed and not controlled and very proud indeed.

Back ...

It's been way too long .... Since I took the time out to Blog, perhaps I thought that anything I had to say would not be exciting or fabulous enough but I have now reached an age where I simply don't really need approval I do things because I choose to and that's that. It has been too long since I took time to record my constant thought worms, which wriggle in my conscious and non console thoughts which eventually become by inspiration, passion and engine which drive me forward through life. The most recent is how to rise to the challenge of raising aspirations in females in the college that I am currently working in. most girls consider working in care, beauty or social services, that's if they are considering working at all... It all starts with all good intentions and they enrol and attend the local college on their chosen course only to fined that by Christmas it's not for them, some may find work in Retail or in the care system some use it as a stepping stone to launch a full time career while others use it as a way to paddle through those difficult years of 16- 21 just to exist or survive. while a few find themselves as young Mothers a vocational option which they slot into as so many have done before repeating the happy event a few times but not allowing themselves the option to consider another dimension to their lives and therefore opt out of furthering their prospects and getting a work life balance their work becomes their life leaving them very uninspired and way too young to be on the unemployed list but far too disengaged to kick start their world of work. there is also something terribly wrong about the way the young people are being tracked... There are a number of youngsters who have up to three casual jobs some of which are even working in the voluntary sector on top of that and are fulfilling a vital role in their communities whilst being gainfully employed however are recorded as not In permanent employment ,education and training.... I have decided that its is time to act .... To bring about the change I claim to want to make... The current trend in secondary education is the whole Student Voice aspect. To a I support this, like everything else all good strategies are only successful if carried out in moderation with clear boundaries. Earlier , today, in my endeavour to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak I posted on Facebook and twitter " another 5 days to inspire and be inspired ... what are you ping to be proud of this week. My response to my own question is .... ask my students how they suggest I help inspire and raise their aspirations... As this week is internationally being used to get girls into technology and science what would they like to see or want to know in order for them to consider these avenues. Why would they not consider these avenues of what is perceived by some as a better option? I will also try and use social media for one week to see if it really is going to enhance, enrich my life and at the end of the day make me happier and fulfilled if it does not then I will revert back to being a cyber flirt... I can already see that my ever patient and supportive Hubbie is looking at me through the corner of his eye thinking oh boy she has gone mad or is he thinking since she got that iPad she works too much... Not going to discuss this with him until next week. like most things I will discuss this project with him to get his take on it but don't wand to influence his response. I also intend blogging every day this week to record what I actually pack in since our current education minister thinks secondary teachers don't work long or hard enough ...... I want documented proof as I am not sure who to believe him or me...

Bag packing ...

Oh my gosh the project manager in me has popped out like some wonderful genie in a bottle!

So its time to plan what to take on our beach holiday! I made a point of reminding our teenagers to find their beach towels for tomorrow so I can wash them - I will not have them take any other towel to the beach other than their beach towels. Must be a throw back to my upbringing ! I spotted my husband peering at me over his laptop - and yes I can read his mind .... "What are you on about woman what does it matter !" he was thinking .... I just know it.

Well what they take on holiday is really up to them but I just know I will be doing a bag check before we set off - even if its just an informal scruiteny while they are out of the house !

Ok so now I have the kids sorted in my mind Hubbie next - he is easy 14 pairs of undies 3 T shirts 2 cotton shirts 3 shorts 2 swimming trunks - his beach towel and he always travels in jeans and hiking boots which means his sandals, goggles and cap need to into his case too! Oh and his beach towel ! He will sort his toiletires which is toothbrush, disposable razor and deodorant. SIMPLES !

So now my packing next ! just as I decide that my colour scheme for this holiday is black , white and tan and grey - all work with one another ,

My very practical Hubbie suggests that as we hardly wore any of the clothes we packed last year we should share a suitcase!

Oh yes I gulped thats a great idea ! Why you must be asking yourself . Well that's exactly what my Mum said when she asked what I was taking to wear - I told her I was not taking much for the 2 weeks away as we were sharing a suitcase - "WHAT !!! You cant do that ! How will you manage you won't have anything to wear and you will look the same in all the photos!" AHHHH no dears that's where you are not quite right !

So... this is the proposed packing list: 1 Maxi dress (for day and night) , 2 pairs 3/4 trousers (1 biscuit and 1 white) 1 short sleeve T shirts - 1x black and white stripe, check, 1x Brown, 4 stringy vests (black, white/grey, floral blue/grey), 2x kaftan top 1 black and 1 white, 1x shorts (navy) 1 pair of hiking trousers (zipp off into shorts), 1 pair of linen trousers - grey 1 beaded floral top (floral with shades of cream, grey/blue)top and evening knit top also grey 1 pair of black flip flops 1 pair of black and cream trainers 3 sarongs, 1 bikini , 1 tankeenie top and bottom, and my Beach towel 3 pairs of knickers and 1 black bra. I will wear loose fitting linen trousers, a string vest white shirt and loose cardigan and sliver fit flops sunglasses for the plain.

That should do me for two weeks ! I'll let you know if it all fits into one suitcase !

The good thing is I don't have to worry about pulling a suitcase because Hubbie will do that I simply have to carry my very large fabulous hand bag which will have my cosmetics , phone Book and camera.

Wish me luck I may have a capacity problem - or I might have to follow the "ditch 1/3 rule!"

Dancing shoes

About this time last year my husband and I were on holiday - our first holiday alone together ever (our children had gone to visit his ex ) After a few days he asked me why I had been wearing trainers all holiday so far. I told him that I did not own sandals because of my terrible feet - he instead that we go shoe shopping and soon realised that I was never going to find a pair of sandals which would hide my feet- He was so supportive and insisted that I have them seen to.

I was so relieved that the Doctor agreed that I was definitely in need of corrective surgery and since the operation I have worn fitflops ever since - only because I am not able to wear closed shoes just yet !

I am so excited last night - while browsing for shoes I found a fab shoe range by Jane called Slinks these are a must have ! for those interested visit her site http://www.janerafter.com

Support

Tribute to my support structure

Probably should mention that at this stage of my life I cannot do without a good support underwear.... and I am so ever grateful for the wonderful products on the market which satisfy this need... This post is to pay tribute to the humans......

So while I have been doing all this dancing through my wonderful life I have had the great privilege of having had the support and love of a few precious and wonderful people firstly my Grand Mother, Parents, my Brother and friends.

My Grand Mother was the best role model any woman could have ever wished for and besides making me proud of who I am. She taught me to keep my eyes in the cup when drinking tea – which a always remember when drinking tea and never wine ! Keep my elbows in while eating with a knife and fork, Don ‘talk with my mouth full of food and always say Thank You when leaving someone’s home, and finally to say Jolly Good instead of F u.

I am blessed to still have the friendship of my oldest friend. We may live in different continents but we have been friends for just going on 30 years now – she keeps me grounded and reminds me of just who I am when I get too big for my boots and lifts me up when I am feeling weak. Thank You ! With all the digital technology around it makes it possible to keep in touch but nothing meats a Cuppa with her however I must admit I always put the kettle on and make myself some tea just before I sit down to read her blogg or visit her facebook page and yes we chatted on the phone just the other day I did have a cup of tea while we chatting - not quite the same as seeing her in person - but that will just have to do for now !

My Parents for always just being you guys and my Brother for being the other, no seriously for reminding me when my behind gets too big that it will soon need it’s own post code!

And the Dance goes on...

So I'd danced the basic education dance and did OK.... well enough to go to University . But a stubborn as I am now I guess I was even more stubborn then – no way was I going to do the obvious . NO THANKS. I got myself a job well the intention was to study the following academic year however the holiday job working in a fabulous designer boutique turned into a more permanent job offer . Never one to miss a perfect opportunity and already into a comfort zone I could handle . I grabbed the opportunity and switched my plans to perusing a career in Retail fashion and studding part time . A successful result as the decision presented me with a fantastic opportunity to be on the receiving end of sound and invaluable initial work experience, instilled a work ethic of which I pride myself and I still have some fabulous clothes –because they were classic and the quality outstanding they have proved to be timeless. More importantly the opportunity gave me the independence I craved – I was able to be self sufficient and beat my own drum and ask no-body for anything or for their approval .

However, being young and naive I met a boy oh boy did I meet a boy ... yes a boy not a man! He was exciting and the life and soal of the party- a City boy quite different from the country boy’s I knew who had not swept me off my feet and were not really interested because I was like family , he was sophisticated (I thought) He had a car (his mother’s but this I did not know) he smoked -just like the Camel man! In fact he was just like the Camel man ... He was my Camel man! He’d fetch me from work and we would go to all the city pubs and restaurants he had really cool sophisticated friends and I was dancing a whole new dance....

Then I did the next obvious thing after 4 years we walked down the Isle – despite the Don’t Do it – your too young cries from wiser, older loved ones .... he’s not right for you . WHAT THE HELL DID THEY KNOW..... I was informed much to my horror that at our wedding friends were taking bets as to how long the marriage would last. OH it was a grand affair – A fairy tale wedding the dress the 250 guests , the private club the fabulous guests, the outstanding presents......until the first dance...The time for the first dance and the Groom was missing – he had disappeared. He was then tracked down by one of my ever faithful male country boy friends – no he was not with another woman he was sitting in the bar with complete strangers getting hammered. The honeymoon was a disaster – the first night he drove me all the way to my home town and we stayed in the Village hotel all a girl wants on the first night – a drunk husband – who drove us to the hotel then promptly passed out then shook me awake at 3 am asking me if I wanted a cheeseburger – oh Gosh is that what they call it ! Followed by a breakfast with the villagers who were not invited staring at me as if we were some point of interest ! The honeymoon was over before it began – once we got to the holiday resort – quiet because it was out of season but he was in constant contact with work . We had to cut the honeymoon short because of some crisis at work ! GREAT the new dance had begun.

The dance steps which followed were the quick step to avoid the mines buried in the mine field which lay ahead. You get good at that dance after 5 years! We parted and there was no sweet sorrow but relieve – for both of us I guess...

The next dance was one of recovery and it was like learning to crawl over again .. just manage to stand up and just as you think you are stead on your feet I fell down , and through sheer determination I managed to start walking again but this time stronger and more determined than before – but a whole lot wiser.... Just when I thought it was safe to get back in the water I got bitten again but it was not as bad as the first time because I knew I can and would survive . I got straight back into the dance routine again ! This time I was dancing solo and I was strong ...

Quite unexpectedly there was someone dancing right next to me and it felt good not clinging on or trying to take the lead just next to me ... Eventually we joined up and have been in step ever since – probably because I let him take the lead – most of the time ...

Our dance has led us to where we are now ... we both have changed professions, re-trained and are both doing jobs we hae always wanted to do but were not possible when we were both solo ... all is well .

I have no idea why I have finally got round to creating a blog ! Why ? To tell you the truth I have no idea why I have started blogging at this point. Having avoided participating in such on-line activities for quite some time,probably as a direct result of having recently completed a course in which blogging and social networking was a requirement. The rebellious side of me forced me to abstain for quite some time after successfully completing the course. Now I guess I have chosen to participate and contribute as I can now choose when to partake. More importantly I can choose the content.

I decided, that if I was to have a blog in earnest, that choosing an appropriate identity would be a good start – something which would befit my current state of mind or sense of being. I chose the latter simply because my present state of mind is ever changing and very difficult to define. No, I am not unstable or confused! I am an educator (I think! or try dam hard to be one ) . If you ask any practitioner attempting to facilitate the further development and progression of others will most certainly find themselves in a very similar situation... or state of mind at the end of any academic year.

This past year has been one of constant change ... I often found myself feeling like a character or icon found in one of the PS games my Husband and Son have been playing of late. I have felt that I have been constantly having manover my way through very uncharted territory while at the same time doding bullets and explosives being hurled in my dirction – sometimes successfully ducking them and other times manageing to deflect them and quite often opening a door leading me into a room which offeres respitre or challenges I can easily manage only to be detected and bombarded once more.

The recent past has been particialy rough ride due to the organisation in which I work has been under intence scruity as a result of an usatifacotry inspection. A status which, to tell you the truth was no surprise . However a harsh judgement so say the least. At the time it seemed that all the positive aspects which were in existence were not even discounted but ignored. The consequence... Oh yes ! Change – Oh yes and plenty of it . What do you expect when the skipper of the steadily sinking ship -jumped ship! BUT the ship did not actually sink the rest of the crew pulled together and kept it afloat until the aptly named Recovery committee arrived.

Home life has been equally as turbulent although not as dramatic but as Parents we have been dealing with the ever changing moods and romantic developments of our two teenage children – oh boy they are not children anymore that for sure.... A son who has finally re-joined this planet of fellow humans. Probably because he has successfully landed a job as an apprentice and now not only is permanently employed and attends collage one a week . The real shock is that he now does coursework projects out of his own accord . This is a major break through as he left school with less than the minimum qualifications! Transformation to say the least – I had accepted that he would have a permanent defect which I can only describe as if his facial expression looking as if he had a bad smell under his nose - like he could actually smell his socks!

The Daughter – or the self appointed princess of the household is a whole nether story –with an ever changing mood and fashion sense as the only constant! Some would say it's a metamorphosis I think its more likely that aliens have beamed up my adventurous tom boy and replaced her with this creature. I must admit it's entertaining at best !

But that’s not all ....

Furthrmore I more than qualify for the Dancer of Change titile ... 10 years ago my husband and I re-located to the UK from South Africa. He had lived there most of his teenage and all of his adult life until the big move and I was considered a native –simply because I was born there – I nevery really felt I belonged there . Probably as a symptom of my very Patriotic Garandma who spent the best part of my formative years telling me I was not like them I was English and she even instilled in me to turn over any product and hunt for the “MADE IN ENGLAND” inscription which would garantee the quality and to some extent my Englishness – I was bought up English and to be Proud – This did me no favours when I finally left the nurturing confines of the Convent School run by Irish nuns (no quite English but British at least)

Leaving the Catholic Education System is really where my first dance with Change began.... I chose to go to the local Dule-meidum co-ed Secondary School. Oh my God ! The class sizes were humungous if compared to those experienced at the Convent. At the Convent the largest class I had ever been was 15 (and even that was a double class) My very first lesson and the Government Secondary School was 35 ! Talk about a crowd ! Anyway as they say children are resilient and I soon fitted into the mass education system, which also included getting taught in a second language when the ratio of Afrikaans vs Englsih required . I quite enjoyed it actually one could slip under the radar when I felt like it and soon learnt how to get noticed – also when I wanted . I survived the new education system and once again learnt the first of the valuable dance steps which stood me in good stead later in life.

More Dancing through the changes to follow ....